so there's this girl...
trust me there is always a story following when anyone writes "so there's this girl..."
But I digress, so there's this girl I've been missing. We never officially dated but we do have history. In a normal situation anyone would have called this quits, and left history where it belongs, in the past. However the story behind us is something that always tend to side-eye it's way back into relevance. There have only been two girls that I can say I've truly loved in this life so far, outside of those I was born with. It's funny that there names are so similar. Anna and Annie. Truth is, these two were responsible for so much dramatic change in me. I mean "dramatic" in the best of ways. Not that I didn't love any of my other ex-girlfriends, the love I had for these two were just so different from anything else.
Not to sound like a punch-drunk love line but, I loved these women on a cellular level and that will never change. The thing is, one of them is still so present in my life, that I can literally fall back into her without meaning to, without trying, where ever I am, and whoever I'm with. Anna.
She and I are so different but so much alike that it's odd because liking this girl so much kinda makes me feel self absorbed. IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, so what. We have that drag razor blades over your arms to feel human kinda love. That 'Hey Arnold' "I like you, like you" kinda love. Love like, every poem I've ever written was secretly about her kinda love. Purely based off of some primal attraction and singular connection that will not fade away and has no hope in sight, but you still have hope. We still hold on to some kind of hope, not braving the time between us but admiring what could be.
I've never been brave enough to grab her because in a way it feels like anytime I come close she darts off into the tree line, and the trees are gargantuan. They swallow up all parts of sun, and everything gets dark from there. As though, there is something written somewhere down the spine of a mountain that reads "the sun and the moon shall never share a sky, only a rise and fall." And as blue as that makes us, as cold as these beds of our grow at night, maybe I am the only one who feels this way. Maybe knowing what to say ordinarily, and not knowing what to say when I'm with her is the one thing she can't get over. Maybe it's the fact that I want nothing and everything from her at the same time. Maybe I'm too demanding. An ex called me that once. I long for something perfect and knowing that perfection does not exist, maybe that makes me insane.
Maybe.
But who's to say that reality isn't some form of it's own perfection. That a crack in the cement is actually meant to be there, and if everything is under a higher being's plan, then all of the flaws of man are also "planned". I think that fear hides us from everything extraordinary in this world. But that's never going to be a good enough excuse for me. As hopeless as love can be, as boundless as love is, as a man who thought he understood what his heart is, what his love would mean, I feel displaced in it sometimes. Most times. All the time. I guess it's because I've never been able to experience anything extraordinary, and getting out of your own way, letting go of things you hold onto, and being vulnerable are much harder to do than they are to recognize. At least they are for me.
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